Where do I Begin?

I was awake at 3am this morning. I had fallen asleep with the light and heating on so it was sweltering in the flat. The podcast I was listening to before I fell asleep was talking about death. Fantastic bedtime material, I know. Subconsciously, I was feeling confused. I had a lot of questions about my consciousness and what happens to it once my body decides it has had enough of extracting glucose and using it to power the cells in my body. Consciously, I couldn't care less about anything. Fuck this. I was done.

I took a deep breath, rolled over and turned the light out. Out of nowhere, I just started sobbing. For no reason at all. Uncontrollable sobbing, feeling completely helpless, weak, lost, confused, angry and very tired. I couldn't even cry properly after a while, I just laid there, eyes open and stinging, letting the tears run from my eyes. Breathing occasionally, wiping away the pool that collected in the corner of my eye, next to the bridge of my nose. I didn't have anything left. No drive, no energy, nothing. As I lay on my stomach, sheets wet from my tears, my mind was blank. All the financial worries that plagued me at night and throughout my day, the palpitations that started every time I swiped my card to pay for something, the doubts I faced about my physical appearance, wishing, pleading with the universe to make me someone else, the inadequacy I feel as a human being; finding no worth I bring to anyone or anything, feeling pathetic and a complete waste of space for not even being able to cry properly, not good enough for anything, not deserving of anything, too cowardly to do anything about it. I am empty. Void. I started work at 9am, and now it was already 4am. It took 4 hours to psyche myself to get out of bed. I promised if I got out of bed, then the next step would be a shower. If I could complete my shower, I would get dressed. Once completed, I would drive myself to work. But. If at any point. I couldn't complete any of those tasks, I would call in sick to work.

The scary part of all of this, I completed a presentation today in front of 30 people, flawlessly. Not one soul even noticed that this was darkest day of the year so far. Good ol' trusty Aaron! With no prep time, you executed something on the fly with little or next to no information. You've become good at the mask. This is dangerous; you're in danger of projecting a perfect porcelain doll. Underneath, I am shattered.

I think it's time to find some long term counselling...