What? Where? Why?

Why is my head ringing? Where is that coming from? I’m confused, what is that? Bells?! Ringing really loudly permeates my dream. The dream I have been longing to have. I finally got to sleep after being awake from midnight. And now these damn bells! What the hell is this about?

Oh. Wait. It’s Sunday. Germany. Durr.

Nothing is open here; the streets are bare; it’s oddly quiet apart from them damn bells. I stare at the ceiling of the apartment. My eyelids heavy, dry, pressure on my forehead, body limp, barely breathing. I think to myself: what have I done?

4 days ago, I moved to Berlin. A long and arduous process that started in February of this year. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. The effects of Brexit came close to home; I had to apply for the Right to Work. Annoyingly frustrating considering I am a Remainer. This time 3 years ago, by March, I’d have been living and working in Berlin. That aside, the immigration process was a testing experience. It called for every ounce of: composure, resilience and patience. My life was in the hands of many people and currently right now, it still is. There’s a whole story to go into about this; which will be in several parts. The part I want to focus on is: What am I doing here?

What if, this move was a big mistake? My friends and family tell me: you can just move back if it doesn’t work out. They know it wasn’t simple getting here, what makes them think it will be easier to return? What if I end up not liking it? And I feel stuck? Forced to live here? I left my friends and family behind. Life moves on; what if they forget me? Or no longer want to maintain a relationship with me? What if I’m surplus to their requirement?

Where am I going to live? I’m in temporary accommodation. It’s imperative that I find my new home. But. I’ve started to landmark all of my amenities. Restaurants, supermarkets, shopping centres, U-bahn and S-bahn stations, and bus stops. When I move, I have to do this all over again. What if I hate the area? There’s a housing crisis here, how long will it take to find my new dwellings?

What if I don’t make friends? I am equipped with new skills that I didn’t have three years ago. I am unapologetically myself. The late George Floyd had a lot to play in that. Again a story for another time. I am aware of of my presence, the attention it commands. I’m starting to get comfortable with that now. But this isn’t London. What if people think I’m arrogant? What people think of me is none of my business. But. Who did I take this job from? Who will be salty I am in this position? A position they probably worked their arse for.

What if people don’t like me? And I’m here all alone? How do I meet people?

When will I feel comfortable?