The Vision Board 2020

I don't think I spoke to anyone last year that didn't find 2019 a tough orbit around the sun. Everyone seemed to be fraught with financial, family, health and career issues. In fact, I had all of those plus some. The atmosphere was thick with anticipation, muddled with frustration, anger and fatigue. Everyone seemed like all of their options had been exhausted. Lethargy wasn't cutting it, exasperation was more toxic than carbon monoxide. 2019 needed to end. The going got tough, but my perception was skewed because I laser focused on how bad things were for me. For example, I worried about losing my job. I had challenged myself to feel uncomfortable because this is where growth lived. Lazy and arrogant were becoming my middle name; the core of Aaron James would not allow those attributes to live. I have to suffocate them. I moved from my comfortable store, where I stood as the authority, trusted from all levels to lead. To, a store of triple the size where I knew no one and no one really knew me. And boy did resent moving, achingly missed my peers and thought how worthless I was to my new ones. I was dealing with personalities similar to mine, I believed them to be an attack on me. As is they were the archetype and I must assimilate. I was so used to being complacent in my last store, I wanted to quit this new one. Many conversations with careers advisors, many interview later, I checked out from everything. My job battered my already fragile sense of worth and personality. I learned to hate. I learned to be selfish and actively disengaged because I knew best. I was never alone, most of everyone I spoke to felt things similar.

I had massive, unexpected financial outlays. Solicitors fees, car repairs, necessary trips to meet the parents of my partner, car repairs, furnishings, credit cards. I was spending money to keep afloat. Diminished my savings to nothing, sold shares just to keep a float. I was drowning.

I lost some friends. hmph. I never found out who outed me to my parents. I will thank you for making me realise I was stronger than I believed. But I'll never forgive you for not showing your face. I had to be brave whilst you hid behind the vail, continuing to read my personal gripes. Ironic.

Struggled with family health issues, my dad has been throughout these last two years and the end of last year saw the most traumatic yet. My superhero needed me, after years of looking out for me. It is my turn to spur my dad through the hell hole of cancer. Not to mention, my mum and nan were constantly back and forth to hospital for various issues.

The challenges I faced made me stand up and face some of my worst demons. At times, my perception of this battle was one of loss. I'm losing. I am a loser. I wrote once that, up until now, you've survived 100% of your hard days.

When 2020 began, turning 32 straight after, this bubbling focus and drive to experience all that I can, just wouldn't fade. Each day, it gets a little stronger. I was feeling a little overwhelmed and started writing bullets points down whenever they crossed my mind. It evolved into this:

Vision Board: 2020

1. Learn French. Instead of looking out the window on the train, get an app, get to learning. Everyday. Twice a day.

2. Gain IT Certifications in Cyber Security. I don't think of myself as particularly intelligent, but I know if I don't challenge my brain cells, they will die, fat and lazy. Mental exercise is needed.

3. Read more books. See above.

4. Seek new job opportunities.

This wasn't enough; writing this on notes in my phone didn't do it justice. It's still a working project, life is bound to throw me curveballs. But, I needed to see it. With my Ikea chalk, I wrote it on my kitchen wall. I took a picture of it and made it my background picture on all of my devices. How long will I keep this up? Is this just a New Year's Resolution on slightly old and fatigued steroids? Potentially. But, last year has taught me how capable I am at not just surviving, but succeeding when things are outside of my control. I wondered, what I am capable of when I actively make the change? What could I achieve?