Switch: On.

We all are capable of letting our thoughts run away with us. Good or bad, it's human nature. We overthink and ruminate until it does us a disservice or, an epiphany. The length of time it takes until we realise the effects this has, is subject to individual interpretation. The fact is, we all do it from time to time and it's considered normal, right? Think back and remember a time you were so deep in your thoughts, wrestling with your emotions about something and someone asks: "Are you ok?". You lie and tell them everything is fine, put on a convincing smile and they leave you alone. The storm still rages for you, but you've managed to cast some sunshine on someone else. That's control. An overuse of a social skill or protecting mechanism, either way we employ it to make other's feel better. Most of us, won't use it to make us feel better. For me personally, I use it to punish myself, for it hurt a little more, cut a little deeper, break the already broken pieces further. All of this, I did. It's my control. I initiated it because I can control the outcome. Whereas, if I place this responsibility on others, I cannot guarantee the outcome. Going further, people have an objective viewpoint, which naturally will contrast my subjective position. Potentially others may see things I don't. A path better suited whilst my own psychology convinces me my stubborn way is the only way.

Evaluating my current circumstances hasn't been easy of late. Work is a constant factor of distress and the need for me to be exceptional is mounting. I am feeling so lost and purposeless, struggling to find a way to be better. To be great. Has my glass ceiling been reached? Is this the best I will ever be? Jeremiah is concerned about me. Every time he contacts me I tell him I am sitting in a dark room. He asked: "What thoughts are you trying to order?". Here is the list:

1. How do I move on without taking a pay cut?

2. Is this as good as it will get?

3. How do I earn more money?

4. Will I ever be able to afford a bigger place?

5. I can be happy for no one right now.

6. Why can’t I be happy and love myself for who I am?

7. Why is everyone better than me?

8. Why am I so mediocre?

9. Why am I even here?

Pretty big questions with a ton of variables and many different answers. Jeremiah provided the following answers to my questions/statements:

1. - do other training/upskilling outside work?

   Remember that your mental is more important than a big wage.

2. - wouldn’t have thought so

3. - Get another job

4. - Yes. Does depend where

5. - that’s cause they’re all c****

6. -

   because your brain is broken and socio-cultural mind control is real

7. - I could make you a long list of people worse than you;

   you are exceptional

8. - this is so far from true

9. - that is unknowable

Ignore the brevity, but take the latter part of answer 1, into consideration. If you were to ask me, where my mental health ranked in that list, it would be at the bottom. In order for me to tend to Mr. Bipolar and Mr. Hyde, I'd have to hit rock bottom. I had to gain perspective. More than the cliche, "I am alive", "I am well". Rather, you may not have enough disposable income to floss comfortably, but it does allow you to have a few of life's luxuries. You also live on your own, in London, one of the most expensive cities in the world.

I purposely haven't take my meds for about two weeks. I wanted to see if there was a difference in my thought process. Are my meds blocking me from gaining perspective?Are they controlling and limiting my creativity? (It's also dangerous to stop taking meds without consulting your doctor first). I ask this, as I feel being off the meds has sharpened and intensified my viewpoint. Also, the last few posts I have written, were harder to create. I found myself struggling to order my thoughts, using complicated and confusing sentence structures, using wrong words to describe or name something when a simpler word sufficed. It could be, the last few posts have been difficult to write because sometimes, it's not always easy to write down your feelings. Equally though, I think back to when I was signed off sick over summer and how my thoughts were then. Erratic, violent, emotive and relentless. Contrast to September where I have been taking Lithium, my thoughts have been calm, often though I have felt void of any thought at all. Almost like an empty can. Introductions of new people have challenged my mental health, reopening old scars. I thought about how I would have reacted to these people whilst not on my meds. The only thing I can say would be different would be the thought process. I would have handled it similarly, but without the volatile thoughts. It takes less energy handling stable thoughts, but my edge is gone. The intricacies of my feelings are muted slightly, my creativity in tackling and writing about them suffers too. I welcome the calm because depression and mania are so energy consuming. But I miss my idiosyncratic reactions to situations. I miss the intensity. Even if they are irrational, erratic and nonsensical. It's an Aaronism. Aaron is a lot of things. Whilst on the exterior I may appear cold with the sourest resting bitch face Earth has even seen. Underneath is an incredibly thoughtful, insightful, considered, gentle and loving person, willing to help whoever, whenever, I can. Besides giving myself a hard time and worrying over every agonising detail life throws my way, I am loyal and trustworthy. I have a flair, in my dress sense it's colourful, playful and little flamboyant. My general demeanour is a little edgy, somewhat dry and quietly blurs the line of confidence and arrogance. Facially expressive, it will either make you laugh or run for the hills. Generally though, it's how my heart expresses itself. In the right environment, I am an extrovert. I can be loud and jovial with a dark sense of humour. Ready to go to battle for those I believe in, commanding attention wherever I go. The life of the party, and also, the calm of the party. It's safe to say I am dependable, and that's despite my mental health condition.

But that's me switched on. I can be thoughtful, but not consumed by said thoughts. At times, I do want to switch off. I have learned that this a skill most cannot do. I am quiet around new and unfamiliar people, guarded and apprehensive about how my character will be displayed. Furthermore, I can just be quiet for being quiet's sake. I don't need to be heard and seen all the time. One hundred million things don't have to circulate around in mind all the time. To merely exist is enough; to window watch other's lives refocuses my impact on those inside my own microcosm. I need my escapisms and I am comfortable with what they are and how they manifest. Music, fashion, books, video games, gadgets and cars will always attract my attention. A good medical drama or adult animation will wrinkle a smile across my face. My own space in which to relax without there being any need to entertain anyone is so important to me. I moved out of home and away from my antagonistic brother, to a place me and my mental health can call home. I am fairly proficient in video games and some I'm not good at all. But my imagination has ported me elsewhere I am living another reality for the time being. I don't need you to tell me or preach about how you can up skill me. The point is missed, this is about me. Not you. Sometimes I don't want to smile, it doesn't mean I'm not happy. I am ok. However, I am more impressionable when quiet. Not only does it seem to affect your mood, but it also affects mine. Ask me too many times if I'm ok and I start to question whether I actually am or not. I can confuse reflection with depression quite easily meaning I can swing violently if not controlled into mania or depression. This is probably where my overuse of control comes from. I can stop it, because I know how. What I should be doing, is empowering those that matter to me to help stop it too. Over, being consumed with having to deal with it alone and behaving too independently. A change in behaviour, for example, being loud and exuberant to quiet and reflective, doesn't equate to being happy then sad. You can be sad and flamboyant. Happy and quiet. No feeling is mutual exclusive to another. My bipolar doesn't mean my emotions behave black and white, depressed or manic. My feelings are equally complex just like yours; moreover, my bipolar is a part of me. It doesn't define me. I must remember:

"I am capable of being happy and have bipolar".