Prologue: 2019

Home is where the heart is, right? Or so the saying goes. For a few moments, contemplate moving your heart. The irrational and rational thoughts that confusingly write and re-write their own conflicting pros and cons lists; dancing around the log fire, the flame being your heart. The heat is intense and the contrast between the: hot fiery instincts of the heart colliding harshly and unforgivingly with the sub zero pragmatisms of rationality, and the evil and sinister ego of irrationality. There is no middle man to play, or even becoming a spectator cheering from the sideline. The fight between these personas are spinning so fast, becoming increasingly hotter, and dense. The weight of every of particle is multiple by numbers unfathomable, it threatens to pulverise you into a black hole; where nothing exists. Heavy be the head that wears the crown: the crown represents the years spent at defining a character that is uniquely yours; only to throw it away? The factors the dictate where said heart should lie are based on significant foundations, like cinder blocks, they root you firmly to the place you call: home. And even though I left my home, to start a new home. A significant portion of my heart still resides 900km away. The piece, here with me, right now, is like a premature foetus. It's needs an incubator and unconditional love and attention. Otherwise, it will die, never to be resuscitated.

The taste of new adventures was tantalising; sweet and salty. Rich new environments lay in reach, the impatience of getting to Berlin was palpably paralysing. New people, new culture, new language. Oh! This is going to be exciting! Feel that electricity, it’s strong and equalling propelling. Yet failures, frustrations, isolation, anger, sorrow and exhaustion are inevitable. These feelings are raw and have the ability to throw you off your axis. GOOD! This is what life is about, live a little. Your mental health is in a fantastic place. Live a little. To think these feelings won’t happen is naïve and foolish. “Run away” it whispers, “the risk is too great”. “Are you crazy” it whispers, “this is once in a lifetime opportunity”. I need a way out of the monotonous drone of London. Am I capable of such a radical move? Yes, yes you are. Run and grab it, fool! This was the escape plan: the preservation of self. The need to define a path wholly mine and influenced solely by myself. The new, improved Az v.3.1.

2019

A lot of hard work led up to August 2021. Insubordinate actions of visiting other offices, asking forgiveness for not toeing the line, to do it all over again, became my mantra for the first part of 2019. The boundaries of my current role was loosing it’s reach. My influence was confined by the four walls I’d out grown. I refused to see it at the time though; a room where I was too comfortable. this is my home! I loved my team! I was a source of great support. Who would to give that up? Growth was needed though and badly. A manager, (we’ll call him Martin), famously said and says to me: Why do you want to stay here? It’s dry. You need a new challenge Az, you stay and do what? C’mon, applying for this new job is good for you.

A new environment? in East London? In a team infamously notorious for its intimidating no nonsense approach to business? Eek! Yeah, no; let’s choose the path of slower growth and less resistance. It’ll be fine, other opportunities will arise. But Martin’s words hovered in the air: Why do you want to stay here? It’s dry. Urgh, Martin don’t get into my head, this isn’t a part of my plan. Another leader, (let’s call him: Charlie) said, You can stay here and do brilliant work for me, or you could be awesome somewhere else and do amazing for work for yourself. Mmm… Ok listen: if you to push me out, just say; I’ll leave, I get the hint. Paranoia was getting the better of me. Two manager saying almost the same thing?! This feels like ambush, maybe I am not getting the hint.

There was no hint. This is a decision I need to make. I took the dive, I jumped off the board hoping not to belly flop.

I spent two years there, in that new store. I found new tools, life tools as well as professional ones. On one particular occasion, where i picked a new skill: the last stage interview for Lead Technician. I sat in front of two Senior Managers. One I already knew, the other I didn’t. Throughout the entire interview, this unfamiliar Senior was not convinced. Looked almost perturbed. I thought: right, that’s that then. Royally ballsed that one up. In a way I was relieved because it meant I would go back to being the man, in my own store, with my established team. Another part was disappointed because I finally realised the potential for growth I just missed out on. Can’t change the past, bro. Move on. As I left the interview and made my way back into the store to tell the Hiring Manager I fucked that interview into the ground. The unknown, interviewing Senior came, literally running after me. She commented that she didn’t get to see the essence of Aaron. At first a few things were running through my mind.

1). Don’t run up on a Black man like that. Periodt. Too many negative experiences of that happening where black lives were killed. Generational PTSD.

2). Understand how your privilege just showed up: Explain yourself Black man, to me, White manager, who you reallyare. Why don’t you just ask me where I am really from.

3). I am exhausted, I want to go home, I don’t have the energy for this. I have been fighting suicidal thoughts for the last two months. I don’t need you, right now in my face, asking for a justification. I am spent!

I should point out that this Senior meant no harm whatsoever and is one of my go to people for professional advice. Not to mention she’s an incredible leader. She knew what I was capable of, she wanted me to believe it.

First tool: Lead with conviction, learn with humility also, know your limits and don't be afraid to communicate them.

During my time in East London: colleagues spoke about my sexuality negatively. I was called a batty boy and a faggot for DE&I work that I thought was positive and beneficial for all. Clearly not. My health was compromised especially my mental health, I wanted to commit suicide. No-one wants me here, I’ve abandoned my old team; what have i done? I want out. I had the thoughts, lacked the execution. I was told to prove my worth; how was I supposed to do that when I literally thought I was worthless? Where am I supposed to muster the courage from? I was told I stole projects away from colleagues and now they have lost their voice. The last thing I wanted was to rob ANYONE of their voice. I wanted to provide a safer platform. I had no allies in that store at first. But I won the hearts and respect of those around me. I showed up. I was present. I stood in front. I was brave and courageous, showcased my knowledge and experience, began to effectively mentor, grow and inspire my team. I stood up against injustice, disrupted the status quo, used my platform to inform. I challenged my superiors and their privilege, encouraged them to step off the pedestal and smell the decaying environment. I suggested ways of reform. I was part of changing an underperforming department to one of the top performing in the country. Like I said: I stood in front; I looked in the mirror.