Precipice

...I'm just going to start writing.

Seriously, timing with everything at the moment is just shit. I'm sick of change. Specifically, I'm sick of change happening for everybody else positively and me negatively. I don't understand how it's ok for me to handle having my brother work here and dealing with rude and manipulative managers at work. My working environment went from bearable with a smattering good days to, somber and bleak outlooks. Everyday I start my shift, I'm already praying for the end it. I am wishing my days away and ultimately my life away. I'm sick of it. On top of this, not only have I been looking and actively applying for jobs, looking to move within and outside the company; I desperately need to find a coping strategy for my current situation. I don't know what to do. It's difficult because I have never felt threatened in my work place before by a family member whom I have massive issues with. On top of that, in the past I have worked with difficult and malicious managers, but I have never had two of them before. Making it clear any gains achieved are purely for their notoriety and success. I have never encountered such selfishness before. I understand development is a selfish endeavor. But when you're in a strategy meeting and everyone bar you keeps taking about 'I' instead of 'we', what the hell are you supposed to think? I forced myself to reevaluate whether I was behaving 'altruistically'. Maybe, I am acting self-importantly. Whilst I realise that this cannot be the case holistically, and no matter where I go, I will encounter difficult work colleagues. No one seems to understand. No matter who I talk to, I do not want to hear positivity surrounding my sibling working here. I am so angry I'm shaking all the time. I have to breathe and pause before answer people. Naturally people want to talk to me about my brother working here. Naturally I want to tell them to fuck off. But, I have to be professional and put aside my emotions regarding this topic. The drive and determination to persevere with the day-to-day is getting so hard. I want to hand my notice in without even lining up another job. That's how much I don't want to be here. That's how much I don't want to be around him.

But it's not just him.

This flipping manager just seems to know how to rub me up the wrong the way, intentionally or not. My soul and spirit are protecting me from her. If there is one thing you must give anyone in this world, it's respect. I'm getting none from this person. I've been working here for ten years. Ask me if you want to understand something. Don't tell me I don't understand, when you just started managing this department. I had to walk out of a heated discussion with her, given her opportunities to understand and correct her disrespect and she still continued to belittle me, distrust my decision making and quality. Something I may add is within my jurisdiction. No over stepping of boundaries were made. If I didn't walk out, I'd be writing about how I lost my job and have no idea where my next mortgage payment is coming from. Constantly I'm managing different feelings about other people and the situations they put me in. I have never wanted to NOT interact with someone. I have no desire to know her, at all. Yet, I must work with her. She is my manager.

Every night this week I have gotten home and sat in a dark room. Mainly because I have no idea how to feel anymore; rendering me feeling numb. But, more importantly, I done want to feel anything anymore. Everything is just intense. It's a wall of feelings that I have to navigate intelligently ensuring I don't lose my job. I would like to talk to someone who understands this, someone who empathises that my current work situation is tough. I'm not looking for advice on how to fix it, the drive to protect my mental health is enough to keep me going to get out. 12 weeks off in the summer is enough. I don't want that again. It was the most isolated I have ever been. It's at this point, work is driving me to drink. I don't drink; every night I have been having a double rum and pineapple juice. I have going from zero units to fourteen units a week.

Frustrated, Angry. Alone. Sad. Nonplussed. Exhausted. Afraid. Tearful. I am on the precipice of feeling everything. I'm wearing thin.