Part Two: Lamotrigine and The Weather Forecast

I remember one particular hallucination: a Gekko. Alway present in my peripheral vision. It stood biped behind me when I looked in the mirror or anything with a reflection. It's upper limbs would rest of my shoulder, head stroking the sides of my face. It made me shudder. But it pushed me down, rooting me firmly into the ground. It's tail, very scaly and pale yellow, would coil around a paint brush that acted more like a wand. Casually, nonchalantly, it would re-paint the environment, but mainly, its aim was to distorted me and my surroundings. Grotesque sketches, carelessly and violently paint chaos. It was ugly. It disgusted me. Its masterpiece titled: True Reflections, inhibited my perception. I couldn't hear; the wind outside rushed past fast and with a loud whistle. The sounds and pictures reflected the continuous whistle and dark grey stormy clouds. Dare I look outside, I could hear the hurricane. It's safer here. I can predict what will happen.

The halls of my mind were caked so thick with dust it mimicked a thick layer of grey snow. Paw prints crunched in the dust as the Kitty of Depression roamed the halls of my mind. Each stride was seductive. Tail swinging left to right, head titled upward with the odd swirl mixed for depressive measure. It was oddly hypnotising, intriguing and predictable. The only departments that were bathed in halogen light, were the most sinister and destructive. Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, the substitute professors in the Psychology department, were working up wild and negative hypothetical situations. Manipulating my hormones, leaving me with hallucinations playing loudly and continuously over the tannoy. Consequently, the ophthalmology department was on code red, reporting multiple errors. The technicians in white labs coats, hit the panic button for support. But none came. It was being drowned out by the noise over the tannoy. The world was under water. In confusion, the Head of department would frantically send numerous messages and failed FaceTime calls to Dermatology. Typically, no response was given; a feeling of numb and disengagement wrought contention.

What I don't want to do is glorify this drug. I've still experienced the odd day of feeling helpless and even, some very low points. There are two main differences between before and after taking this drug. One of them is: my feelings. When I've been depressed, I've felt numb. Sitting in a dark room for hours, even days, was the preferred solution to deal with down days. However, that is different now. I actually feel the depression. I can feel the cold, I know its dark and eerily silent. I can smell the damp stale air and taste the dust in the air. All of my sensory organs are not muted. This is important because: I can assess the scale of the negativity with a little more rationality. I'm socially aware of the impact and magnitude my low moments can have. The second part is: communication. It's easier now to explain why I'm depressed or low, because I can gauge the scope. That means I predict the time it takes to through the valley. Annoyances and frustrations are no longer kept locked away. I don't feel the responsibility to manage things outside of my control or, are not mine to handle.

It's important to note, Lamotrigine doesn't directly influence rationality. But. The stabilising component helps with better mood regulation. Understanding the many peaks and valleys life has, the weather isn't always turbulent. Visibility becomes clear. Cloudy thoughts aren't frequent, in fact, they are fewer and have greater distances. Navigating those peaks and valleys allows you plan the course of least fatigue. This is where rationality flourishes, because it isn't shackled down with wrought iron chains to prevent been blown away by hurricane Depression.

Head of Faculty is now also the weather forecaster.