November 1st - 25th of December

On the 1st of November 2018, I started to write this blog post. Originally, the topic of choice was melancholia, since I had been feeling that way for a long time and was struggling to convey what it actually felt like. Since then, the article has been completely redrafted every, single, day up until this morning. Every time I sat down to conjure up imaginative and emotive ways to discuss my feelings. The words were not powerful enough to paint verbal picture. I felt it either read boring, was too chaotic and disorganised, too emotive or quite simply too mundane. I began to censor my thoughts, placate my feelings, ultimately developing writers block. The cursor would flash on the page as I stare intently at a blank A4. My mind absolutely racing with everything that was occupying my mental space but nothing motivating my fingers to begin typing. The doubt I had regarding this blog began to mount heavily. Reading past posts, I failed to relate to what I was experiencing when I wrote previous entries published on this blog. All the meaning, the journey and sense of self was lost. The words I wrote, were no longer my words; I didn't recognise me in anything I posted.

Over the last two months, I have been challenged by mental health a lot and an unfamiliar emotion has greeted me: fear. I stopped taking my meds because I felt numb. I missed feeling the intensity of reacting to situations. I felt less than superhuman on my meds. I missed the swing of invincibility, and ultimately the swing of inadequacy. The violent swing I was used, is what reminded me I felt alive! The meds slowed the swing, merging all my days into one massive, long, drawn out existence. I started to feel again off Depakote, but I was afraid. I feared failing at work and managed to convince myself I was going to lose my job. I felt fraudulent to my emotions, as If I was denying them, I was anxious and constantly aroused. I was and am, still feeling incredibly lost in my career, not knowing what the next steps are, my options or even my potential. I feel I'm pressing my face against the glass, smashing and flattening my features beyond recognition, seeing what is possible, but not likely to ever happen for me.

New personalities and hefty egos have made me retreat, doubt and isolate myself from people. Allowing my introversion to rule roost over every avenue of my life. The invasion of privacy and threatening the safety of my mental health having my brother work with me. A long standing tumultuous relationship I thought I had escaped from. We now share friends and work colleagues, an infiltration of a space that was unconnected to him. Gladly kept separate , now my only solace from you is at home. Still feeling raw, angry and frustrated about Donna's inability to realise I needed help and support, was crying for it just as much as she did over the summer. I was drowning, suffocating under my own storm cloud, soaked and drenched and feeling suicidal. Yet, holding the umbrella, keeping her dry until her cloud faded into sunshine. Feeling failed by her and still feeling resentment about her inability to support me during one of my darkest hours.

Vacationing in Portugal hoping to get some headspace and Hershey tan, walking along the beach, seeing nudist sun-bathers and feeling shy, but mostly, inadequate and jealous of their bravery to bare all. Recognising, that I now truly understand my bisexuality, I subconsciously stayed single because I thought I'd end up being involved with a woman. Sleeping with men to satiate my sexual appetite meant, I could conveniently hide that portion of my life. I used, sorry correction, I abused the ambiguity of my sexuality to live the best of both worlds. Challenged with realising the mounting, intense and confusing feelings I have for Saul and being completely blind sided by them. I am falling for you, I am scared of it, I don't know how to handle it, not knowing how to behave. Meeting his incredibly jovial and handsome ex-partner of thirteen years, wondering how the hell do I compare to this? In what way can I compliment Saul that his ex hasn't already? You are so much further ahead than me, I will never catch up? I feel like you have settled, you can do so much better; I am bum. Conversely, knowing I have to come out to my parents about this, also understanding, you cannot be the reason I do. Resting all that expectation on you indirectly is not fair, I need to do it for me. No longer wanting to hide and call Saul my friend when in fact, he is my partner. Cripplingly scared more than anything I have ever faced in my life. Knowing, I stand to lose my parents, becoming estranged from the two most substantial relationships I have ever had. Not being able to find the right support. Struggling to understand the feelings I have for Bart, jealous of Bart for the life he gets to live and his blissful ignorance to world around him. Struggling to understand the kryptonite, crippling, weakness I feel for Marc. I love you and it hurts good. But is bad for us. The constant internal inquisition of his wellbeing, his safety, wanting him to be happy. Worrying about both my parent's health, looking at my dad, seeing him the slimmest he has ever been. 1 year in remission Dad, many more years to come. Asia, it's been almost a year since we properly spoke and we have no idea the events that have happened in each other's lives. One of my longest standing friends, I never thought we would have a hiatus like this. Whilst in the last few months we have had smatterings for contact, it's felt weird going through this growth without you. I don't know what to think about us anymore; I don't know how to interpret us. The only important thing is that I know, I will not lose you without fighting for you. That's my ultimate word.

Falling asleep due to exhaustion at 9pm December 24th and waking up 4am on December 25th to all of this on my mind.

I'm sure I've missed something out...