Mr. Hyde

It's a warm day but cold inside the villa I'm staying in, in Portugal. The sun outside is blazing down on the patio, very slowly heating the water of the outdoor pool. It's so draughty inside the villa, along with my shorts I have on a long sleeve tee, and jacket to break the draught. I'm on the couch, Nintendo Switch in hand, killing the N64 Rainbow Road track with white Yoshi and matching kart and kite. I'm beckoned outside. The sun loungers line the right side of the pool facing the back glass entrance to the villa. A blue, half moon shape, mosaic tiled, outdoor shower is at the top of the pool; I take the first sun lounger, Switch in hand. The sun is beating down and the warmth feels very good against my skin.

Dr. Jekyl has his optimistic paint brush in hand; his strokes have a flair and flick to them, rounding off the touches to his masterpiece. Using my transitioned lenses as a guide, everything has an added rose tinted glaze over it. He glides gently between my irrational and rational thoughts, mediating a happy balance, keeping the peace so effortlessly. He prepares my next set of coping mechanisms and turns away for a second or so.

I can feel the heat radiate off the terracotta tiles through my socks as I walk to take a seat. The light is so intense, my glasses transitioned to honey amber and the LCD screen on the Switch is not viewable even at 100% brightness. I retire gaming for a while to warm my blood. All of my insecurities at this point are locked away, tentatively tended to by Dr. Jekyl. At no point have I felt inadequate, or that I don't belong in this environment. Nothing I feel is ugly or I am embarrassed about, is on show. Saul, takes a seat at the edge of the pool. Hesitantly, he dips his foot into the icy cold water, yelping as he lowers his foot trepidatiously in. After a few attempts, both feet are submerged and his ex joins him. He casually lights a cigarette and they converse in French. They jib and jive each other about jumping in the pool as parts of their discourse is interspersed with English. Splashing each other, Saul attempts to extinguish Jack's cigarette by splashing chlorinated water in his direction. This continues for a while, this laddy, gentle flirting, comrade exchange. Eventually, they agree to jump in together. Jack, decides to strip down to his boxer shorts.

Pause. I heard breathing. Heavy. Rattling. Coarse. I heard a sinister and playful laugh emit, bouncing of the walls of my skull. It reverberated strong enough to distort my vision and misinterpret my environment. Mr. Hyde's wiry, spiky hair can be seen through the bars of the cage trapping my fears. His hair flapping in time to the matching breeze cooling my skin from the sun's heat. Instantly I felt my psychology being threatened. I couldn't feel the heat anymore; I wanted to escape this situation. One of my fears had already been released. It hovered high, floated like a Dementor, graciously devilish, sucking the colour from the scene and replacing it with varying shades of grey. Overwriting and editing the scene to play maliciously, inciting my prisoned demons to grab the bars of the cage and shake it ferociously like a pack of wild Bonobos.

I want to lay out the relationship that Saul has with his ex. It's playful, but slightly more than friends. They discuss matters of sex with other people very causally, but there's a familiarity between them. All I can see, is Jack's crotch bouncing up and down as he walks around. Saul, decides to do the same. He reveals, a black, mesh pair of boxers, again a large bulge in his underwear. At first, he behaves shy hiding his package and then begins to gain confidence very quickly. Jack, makes a slow decent into the pool and submerges himself. Saul contrasts this behaviour and cannon ball dives right into the centre of the pool creating a splash that soaks their friend's clothes and threatens the life of my Switch. As Saul exits the pools after some minutes of tomfoolery, again, bouncing crotch is my fixation point. For cold water, neither of them seemed to be sporting shrunken packages. In fact as they walk around, all you can see is bouncing bulges. Saul attempts to hug me with cold water running down him, I play fight him off, telling him to piss off as he tries to wet my dry, sun kissed, warm clothes. Saul tells me to jump in. Mr. Hyde peeps around the corner of my locked insecurities, takes the intricate key used to lock away the demons and teases the lock, turning it clockwise, then anti-clockwise. Back and forth. He fingers the Gaelic pattern at the head of the key; Hyde's hellish, demon-like appearance smirks at me as these events unfold.

Ordinarily, I would have. I'm not a prude, I would have jumped in, pushed Saul in. Got Jack back in, I can be very playful. Might have even got some music going, made a lite party of it. I am capable of being an extrovert. However, the main thing running through my mind was: my body will be on show. Introversion wins again. Dr. Jekyl cowers in the middle of the cage, as the demons rage worsens, their screams echo, their body movements more energetic and erratic.

We are driving back from the beach after having some lunch. This mornings events are still popping up in my mind like a jack-in-the box. Slowly, Mr. Hyde cranks the gear, waiting for the clown to make it's appearance. He knows the snap of the lid and instantaneous surprise of the clown will reignite the frenzy of the incarcerated beats. We are heading to another beach that is pet friendly so Jack and Saul's golden retriever can go for a walk. Anyah, Jack's friend, mentions that we should have taken the first exit. Jack obliges and says, "You should always listen to girls, they are always right. And Saul, he always right". Saul responds: "Are you saying I am a girl?". General laughter fills the cabin, he follows up with: "I'd be a very strange girl with a very large penis". Anyah turns to Jack for confirmation to which he responds: "yes, he has a large penis, it's very thick". Anyah appears impressed and Saul has a slightly confident smirk on his face.

The night before we all head to an Indian restaurant for dinner. I'm a little anxious on this trip, my leg has been shaking like an excited dog about to play fetch. The majority of people here are all french speaking and they converse mainly in French. As I'm shaking my leg, Anyah is sitting opposite me to my left on the rectangle table. "Aaron, I know you aren't, but from here your leg shaking looks like you're masturbating". I giggle nervously, pull a nervous face and stop. Saul, is sitting next to me on my left, directly opposite Anyah. He says: "I can assure you, he definitely is not masturbating". Jack retorts, "oh, is it that small?". All of this was said in jest, obviously. However, Mr. Hyde's reflection can be seen in the glass windows. Jeering at me, but not close enough to start any real issues. These incredibly minor events, ran my insecurities into over drive; bit by bit, they built until Hyde was ready to play havoc and ruin Jekyl's hard work. I am hypersensitive being in unfamiliar company, it renders me quieter than usual. Which means sometimes my positive and negative aspects of my personality can be at war until one wins. Already I'm feeling and knowing these people won't be able to read my facial expressions well, they'll probably think I'm miserable, or that I'm self important, bored, aloof etc. I try to be involved in conversations, but I'm finding this difficult when majority of the time, they converse with one another in French. Whilst juggling social anxious Aaron with socially competent Aaron, attempting to make myself uncomfortable and not do the norm to retreat. I'm battling Mr. Hyde pleading with him to please lock away the demons I and Jekyl have been working so hard to conquer. But he has the key to Pandora's box: Inadequacy. Everyone here either does something creative like, journalism, animation, radio personality or earns a stack. I'm here, IT Manager of a retail shop in mall. I can hear the cackle of my beasts and villains echoing in my head. I am face-to-face with my most extreme body dysmorphic insecurity. The lock has been opened, the lid is now ajar.

I cannot shake what I have seen, I cannot shake what I'm feeling. All I know is, avoiding Scruff, Tinder, and Grindr hasn't helped to heal my insecurity. More work must be done, a different approach must be taken. All the conversation that has been happening in my head is, when good looking people with large salaries and creative talent exist, what room is there for me? Already, Hyde is telling me the atoms used to create me, are a waste. Jekyl battles to show me how incredible I am and can be.

Nothing to offer, nothing good going for you. Just end it, Aaron. Make room for someone else who deserves it over and beyond what you do.

I'd like to introduce you to, the precursors to suicidal ideations.