Magpie

Everything else is attractive at the moment. Everything apart from what I have in front of me, specifically the things and people already in my life. But this needs context; almost two weeks ago I was sat in front of parents about their concern regarding my mental health. Someone my dad knows caught wind of a rant article I wrote and brought it to my dad's attention. That article listed a lot of things I was going through at the same time and briefly mentioned thoughts surrounding suicide. I would get anyone's concern if they read something like that, I understand the crushing weight of responsibility they must of felt to even approach my dad about this. One them I wrote about, was my sexuality. Everything else, my parents were aware of. They found out from a third party not only am I bisexual, that I'm dating a guy, but also I feared that them hearing all of this would estrange them from me. Ultimately, losing the relationship with my parents. Needless to say, that Wednesday afternoon, was the longest two and half hours of my life. The guilt, the shame and disappointment I felt. Guilty because someone had outed me when I was planning on do it myself. Shame because my parents thought, I thought, ill of them. Which, ultimately, hurt them a lot. Everything with my parents at the moment is in this word limbo. I know they are here, but it feels like they aren't present. Time is a healer, and space is needed, especially after reading the brutally honest recounts of my deepest feelings. Also very publicly. Wednesday the 9th of January plays on my mind on repeat. I cannot change the past, but my thoughts are cyclic and I can't get off the hamster wheel.

Coming out to anyone is a big deal considering, heterosexuality is assumed and any other alternative lifestyles always seem to need a fanfare to placate the straights. This guilt, shame, even disappointment in myself has heightened my disdain for myself. I cannot bear to look in the mirror. The reflection physically and mentally is disgusting to me. I'm attracted to everything else in my life right now, apart from the good I already have. Rationally, I understand everybody needs time, but what about me? I've been selfless for so long now, been everybody else's Superman, I want that reciprocated in the same way. Again, I can hold no one's actions in the same esteem as my own, everyone's circumstances are different, with their own priorities; I must reevaluate my expectations. More importantly, I need to love myself, flaws and all. I can't be attracted to Bart's relationship because of the material things he has acquired or, for the way he looks and his partner looks physically. Not wishing to be with either of them, but thinking, things would be better if I just looked a little like them. If I had the money, the holidays, overall, the lifestyle. At no point, at all have I realised what I currently have. It's all based most on perception and what he has told me. He could be lying to me; I trust that he isn't. I won't turn him away from confiding in me. But now I'm starting to think, if it's better for me, then that's probably what I need to do. But it isn't just him, it's everybody.

If it's not Donna's new job and pay rise, it's Saul's new job and pay rise. Additionally, it's been two months, verging on three since we got together and he's talking about buying a house together. Early for the conversation? Yes. Is he talking about doing that right now? No. He wants to live London life and settle in year or two. However, this complex I have about wealth and status linked to money and appendage is blowing out of control! I have to admit, it's an obsession. The symptom is in inadequacy. Worthless because I feel in comparison to others I stack less financially. Inadequate because, the biases through grapevine about large appendages I feel don't apply to me. Not helped by the fact twitter is my main source for following people who seem to have grotesquely large phalluses. It's self-punishment for no reason! These are things outside of my control.

I'm not, not considering buying a place with Saul in the distant future, but I need more money. What scared me the most, is how adamant I am, that I WANT to increase my salary, I WANT to match the deposit. Those two things, simply aren't going to happen without a massive sacrifice. Even though I know, long term my financial situation will improve if I cohabit with Saul, I will not allow our finances to be linked. He's the breadwinner, he would put the deposit, he'd have more disposable income. Whilst, I pay out more for somewhere bigger that my current salary won't allow. I will not depend on anyone like that. I've been doing this on my own for four years. All bills paid, pension and stocks paying into, car paid, by me. I depend on me and I live. No where near as comfortable as I like, but I do it. The sense of independence to me is the only thing in my life I ever been sure of. The one thing money has never bought; the life lessons and experiences made this. The only thing I've ever loved about myself. It's the one thing I am never ashamed of; my action orientation, reliability, and loyalty. That's Aaron! If I buy with Saul, don't I give a part of that up? Will I still be Aaron? I feel that is all that defines me, there is nothing else. So who will I be if I buy a place with you? Ok, let's rephrase, shouldn't I be willing to give a part of that up? After all, wouldn't he be doing the same thing?

I don't know how to fix any of this. And the truth is, Magpies aren't attracted to shiny objects.