Inferior

I feel uncomfortable. An agitated, skin-crawling, ruffled type of unsettled. Never before in my life have I been so emotionally confused about people. I don't know how to feel and if what I'm feeling is appropriate. Am I making it up? Do I need to gain sone rational perspective? I also feel inferior. A pathetic, negative sense of self worth, a feeling that makes me sick to my stomach. Of no value to anyone, even myself, I just want to die. Often, I'm catching my breath, believing my heart has skipped a beat; I'm so damn anxious all the time. My sleep is disorder, my thoughts are dark and chaotic, I'm exhausted. I don't know how to keep moving, where to find the energy, ultimately how to be happy. I cannot tell you, what makes me happy, or what I need to be happy. The only outlet I have is this blog. There's a bright, cheerful, jovial and creative Aaron in there somewhere. Is he dead? Do I blame Mr. Hyde for killing him and Dr. Jekyl for hiding the body?

Bart. For some reason, I feel a magnetism between us. It's strong and I think we could be great best friends. Conversely though, not in this lifetime. The circumstances don't feel right. When you're not at work however, the place is a little darker and a little harder to get through the day. When you are in, I can hear your voice echo around the cavernous shop floor and it's a comfort. The environment is bright. I feel safe. It envelopes me. I exhale and the worry, pressure and stress I feel about work just oozes out of my skin like a freshly popped pimple. Gross, yet oddly satisfying. I feel invincible just hearing your voice. It almost feels wrong to like you, to want to be friends with you. Are you living the life I wish I had? Am I choosing to see only the good, whilst I know the bad? The bad being, I know you make friendships only to benefit and propel you forward in life. I am so frustratingly conflicted about you that I don't know if I'm jealous of you or if, my subconscious is warning me of something? My impulsive, narcissistic and malicious alter ego, is telling me you're a danger to me. Dr. Jekyl wants to know how much it will hurt. This is an experiment for him. Jekyl has always been the voice of reason; when I succumb to Hyde I almost self-destruct. Who do I listen to? Which one is right this time? I realised how much I admire you, Bart. The person you have become is so different to the selfish, judgemental and egotistical person you were 18 months ago. Everything is going well for you and you are beaming happy with life right now. So much to look forward to, the big 3-0 is approaching and you have never been more ready to start a new chapter. And I feel you'll leave me behind. The reality is, one of this has anything to do with me. Next year will be big for you. Possible proposals on the table, the love of your life ready to be yours and only yours. It's only this place that keeps us together, our only common factor is work. I think about when circumstances change and we no longer work together, how much will I miss our exchanges? But, what terrifies me is why I feel YOU, need to be around? Without John and Sue around anymore, I have created my safe space in you. I'd never tell you this, but, you are the only reason why work is bearable. And that's unhealthy. Visually you remind me of Marc, you both shape words with mouths in similar fashion. Are you just a placeholder for someone I continuously think and worry about? Again, this is unhealthy.

Marc. Someone at work showers in Dirty shower gel from Lush and it stinks on them. It offends me, I feel I have to defend you whenever I smell it on them. I'm ready to take my earrings off, and call my bestie to hand me the vaseline. That's your smell! No one else is allowed to wear it. They don't carry it like you. Crazily, it's how I know you're alright. Our cycle of being on and off had made us dizzy from all the trips on the merry-go-round. Sick with worry and dizzy from agonising over how you are. You have had a tumultuous few years and I feel guilty that I wasn't there for you in your darkest hour. The place I wish you never had to see because I know what you're capable of. No matter how much we recognise that kryptonite strips us of our superpowers, we still want to touch it. I'm tethered to you, with twisting steel ropes with super sharp barbs that pierce the place in my heart reserved for you and only you. I want you to be happy more than I want myself to be. I want to rid you of the ailments that dampens your creativity, intelligence and charisma. I wish for it so bad, all my muscles contract in my body, the wrinkles deepen on my forehead, my nails dig into the palms of my hands. So much energy goes into it, when I relax, I'm weak. It's when I'm weak, I'm afraid I'll lose you for good. But I can find the strength anymore.

Saul. I'm afraid of how you make me feel. When you call, when you FaceTime me, I melt like a Twister lolly. Dripping down my hands and arms, I cannot wait to lick the lime, vanilla and strawberry swirl off my arms. Sweet. Sticky. More-ish. You are becoming my kryptonite, and I like it. I'm already at the stage where I will fight for you. Protect you. Want you, for me and no one else. I haven't felt this way since Sandra. It tastes familiar, yet new. I'm jealous of your handsome ex. How lucky he was to have you for such a long time. The history the two of you have written together is a beautiful love story you watch only in films or read in a Mills and Boon novel. Your talent amazes me. I remember walking into your flat and seeing the storyboard you had drawn out and displayed above the window. Animation comes so effortlessly to you, I'm confused how easy it is for you. Jealous in fact, that nothing I do, is that sought after or admired. You have lived in foreign countries, learning 4 additional languages, not only to survive, but to thrive! You are intelligent, funny, handsome, bitchy, caring and affectionate man. I admire you, (even when you leave cupboards doors open and lights on) it's borderline obsessive and destructive. I'd give anything to be you. Just to have an ounce of talent, a dash of intelligence, and a drop of humour. If I had all those things, maybe I'd do better in life. You are about to live the lifestyle I want so badly. At times, I've contemplated selling my soul to Lucifer, just to taste five minutes of it. And it's this that makes me feel inferior to you. My contributions to us to make 1/5 of the grade. I'm confused why you have chosen me. I'm struggling to get up another rung on the ladder, why would you allow me to hold you back from a career you are only just scratching the surface of!? At my best, you deserve twice of me. I feel so strongly about this, I have take it hour by hour. Try and quell my insecurities with the best of my maturity. Next to you and your salary I feel pathetic, knowing I cannot match you. The division of death and emotionality is unequally in your favour. What happens when we move in together? What happens when I need to come out to my family? I cannot hide you, I don't want to hide you! I feel embarrassed to even let you stay in my flat.

Donna. I love you but you drive me absolutely insane. It's ridiculous how much we rib each other. It's fun and to other people it sounds like we hate each other. But that's our charm. But, I'm struggling to be your friend. I trust you, just not with things that are volatile enough to cause destruction. The summer was rough for you, I was there without any equivocations and placed myself at a detriment, made myself worse, for you. Because I felt, the same would be reciprocated, without question. Without hesitation. I know I need to give you the chance, but it's still raw for me. It's difficult to process and often I cannot find the words to tell you how I feel. I'm not angry, but I know it's going to take a while before I can let you interact with my demons again.