Dear Az.

Dear Az,

You're being called Aaron now. This means your friendship circle has changed quite a bit in the last 5 years. 30-years-old seems a long way away, but it's only around the corner and you are about to go through a lot. Turning 30 is going to stress you out. You quickly learn it's just a number and all of your ducks are in a row. Knowing you, especially at 25-years-old you haven't learned tears are cathartic; you'll cry internally and for now that's ok. I will suggest getting some snacks at the ready though. At 25, you owe £5500 on a credit card which wasn't your debt to begin with, mum is off long term sick so you have to help out with the food shop plus paying some rent, your relationship with your brother is reaching nuclear disaster level 4 and it's starting to strain on the whole house. Everyone around you is buying brand new things, holidaying to expensive exclusive destinations, getting new jobs and pay rises. You are making around £220 a week. On top of your responsibilities, you are saving money to buy a flat. You are struggling under the financial pressure and emotional stress of home. Needless to say, you feel trapped. I'm afraid that feeling doesn't go away, it changes form though. It becomes easier to understand and you tackle the challenges differently. That company you've been working for, for the last 5 years, you're still there and you will mark your decade working for them.

You are currently in a relationship. She isn't "The One" even though you feel like the 2.4 family unit is on its way. You'll also be single for four years and counting. You both are going to break each other's hearts and it will feel life isn't worth it. Irreconcilable differences will be the reason you break up. Not to mention, she puts a massive wedge between you and Aaisha. Your relationship with your longest standing friend is about to be put on trial. Glove up and enjoy the next 18 months, these will be the best you get with Sandra until things go wrong. You work together, and will still have to when you break up. The hardest part, she's going to date one of your mutual colleagues. She bounced back real quick, too quick in fact. No point reading into it. Just get on with it. Return the engagement ring, NOW. Don't do it when it's too late and you have to pawn it. The pain you'll feel seeing her walk into work holding another man's hand, him smirking at you, puffing his chest out as he walks by you, her holding her head down as they walk by, will be insufferable. You'll shake with anger, a sense of betrayal, frustration and understandably, love. Sadly, you'll bottle it, meaning your first manic episode. It's going to rip you apart, you are going to owe another £3000, you are going to strain relationships with good friends and acting out of character will become the norm for you. Don't fight any of it. Let it be.

Once you've broken up with Sandra, the Pantheon are by your side. They never leave you, right until current day, you have an amazing relationship with 4/5 of the members. Guess which member of the group you no longer have a relationship with? We'll get on to that one later. Hermes, takes your phone and starts a Tinder account. You will resist, don't! In your first week, you'll match with four hundred people. You'll go on a lot of dates and you'll be promiscuous more than you would ordinarily like. You make Hermes proud. Your record for number of dates in a day will be six. This is where you will meet four people that make a significant contribution to your life. These people will make you realise how much you love your current friends, they will challenge you, they will soften that exterior, you will learn vulnerability and free fall into your emotions. Jeremiah will be your rock, he's hilarious and calls you out on your nonsense. You need him around, he's your compass for everything, He'll call you a cunt at first, but he comes around and you are both are inseparable.

Donna will be the person that makes you realise there is hope after a break up. Things will go well and you'll consider her to be your next girlfriend, until she over steps the mark; she tests your trust. You'll get over it. You work out your trust issues and she is your best friend. Unwavering, difficult, loving and annoying, this relationship is good for you.

Marc, you'll fall in love with him and he will be your Kryptonite. Which will be familiar because Henrietta also made you feel this way. Be careful, Az. It's a weak feeling that leaves you blind. Expect a lot of back and forth, emotional manipulation, not aligning with each other's wants and needs and a lot of hesitation and apprehension. At first, the world has rose tinted glasses on and smell of Dirty body wash from Lush. You're going to get signed off work for a very long time. Most of the summer will be spent with him and it will feel exhilarating by the seaside in Kent. You'll have the pleasure of meeting his mum and having a very open conversation with her. As well as meeting the rest of the family, his identical twin, his kids and his wife, and thinking you could easily make a life of this. The view will change quite violently though from dark to light, your emotions will will run high and low, you'll be jealous to see him with someone else. Another familiar feeling you felt when you saw Sandra dating someone else. You will think about him everyday, without fail. This will be the most intense interaction you've had with anyone thus far. You'll still think he's the most handsome guy you've ever seen, you'll still have feelings for him, you're just going to have to deal with it. Even I, right now, don't have the answers about this one. I'm still searching.

David, he'll be around but from a distance. This will frustrate you, no end. He'll have an intuition to know when you're not feeling great and be ready to guide you. Again, this will frustrate you because you'll feel under surveillance. You have no idea where it's going to lead. Trust it. Don't push him away. He means well. He's a friend.

Finally, as for the fifth member of the Pantheon: Morpheus, things don't get better. You'll drift apart, slowly and painfully. Hercules will help you make sense of things, but you'll question silly things like: why it takes 2 days to respond to a text message? Miscommunication, not making it to the engagement party, and few other things, are nailing the coffin shut on your brotherhood. Don't be surprised you're not the best man at his wedding. Be surprised you got invited, and don't be shocked by guests asking you "how you belong there". There's undertones going on that you aren't privy to, nor understand. I currently, still don't know how this pans out. So much time has passed, that it seems almost impossible to reconcile a relationship. Enjoy your time with him now, because it's about to change drastically and you're going to struggle to deal with it. Daniella though, is still right by your side and she's still calling you her big brother. Do everything you can not to ruin this relationship; she means a lot to you irrespective of Morpheus.

All of this will deter you from moving out, you'll have your first major depressive episode. You'll walk for miles and disappear a lot. You won't come home and you're going to put your parents through stress. It's a journey of sex, alcohol and a near pregnancy scare. This is where you realise you have to be responsible for your mental health and seek on-going counselling and medication. The medication transforms you into a zombie and you feel nothing for a while. That's ok, it gives you a much needed break from being stimulated all the time. You get a promotion at work! Celebrate this, Az. More money and the job you aimed for means greater things are on their way. You'll lose both great-grandmothers though. Both to the same type of cancer. You'll support everyone else and forget about yourself and it will cause you some real harm. Your insomnia will be the worst you've ever experienced.

However, on the up side, you don't have to see your ex and her new man any longer; you move to a new store and start working with a whole new team. This is where your new friendship circle comes from. You'll meet Jeremy, Sophia and Mitch. These are people you can trust. They love you unconditionally. You'll bond over, music, chilli peanuts and ESD safety respectively. This new job means you'll be able to afford to buy a flat at 27-years-old! On your own! That's an achievement, never underplay it. Although, you will do exactly that and the process will be stressful. It's ok, superhero papa will literally be at your beck and call to guide you. You're going to have to stop him beating up an estate agent, so hit the gym. Two years on, you'll get another promotion. Yes, I know, another one! This time you lead a team of almost thirty people. You flourish at training, you develop a skill for writing, you make yourself uncomfortable by networking, going against popular consensus, you develop strategies and deploy them, you are no longer afraid to scrape your knees. The bills get easier to pay, you have little more free cash to enjoy life and you'll buy a new car. You'll go to 5 weddings in one year. You'll visit Spain twice, New York once, Leicester and the Barbican in central London. All the weddings are beautiful and you get see some amazing people happy and mark the next chapters in their life.

Daddy develops cancer bro. I know, Ironman, health fanatic Pops develops liver cancer. It's going to be tough because your brother makes massive faux par and drives a wedge between them. Not to mention the dr.'s tell papa that if the cancer returns, palliative care is the only option. It frightens dad, but he tries to hide it from you. When the time comes, you'll know what to do. You've been doing it for years. The reality kicks in though, that you might lose daddy. You won't, and he comes back fitter than before. You'll have to endure another manic and depressive episode mixed with crippling insomnia. Every medical health professional will sign you off work for a long time, but the time gives you perspective on a relationship, your health and the future.

You have survived all of your worst days. You are stronger, wiser, have showed growth and are more ready for the adversities than you think. Az, I admire you at 30-years-old. Imagine what other people must see.

Love, your best friend and your worst enemy,

Aaron. x