Colourful Greyscale

Today was a good day, a great day in fact. It would have been exceptional if you were not there.

I dealt with indecision and a fake individual with an ease I have not felt in a long time. I spoke and connected with a colleague who finally had their epiphany moment with me. I conversed, joked and laughed effortlessly. The political game was no stranger to me today, steering towards networking success, gliding towards to a more self assured me. I felt great. Strong. I started to believe I am worth something. I am respected. I am important. Job confidence surged through me today, inspiring my team to step outside their comfort zone, to try and fail but ultimately, get back up again. I saw a glimmer of hope, the sky is a step, the universe is the limit. I questioned whether this was the start of a manic episode. I wanted to treat myself a lot these last couple of weeks. I worked out, today was just a good day and needed to congratulate myself of that.

But. You were here. Threatening my mental safety.

We said no words to each other, we recognised each other existed. That was enough. But your presence, just you being in my safe space, talking to my colleagues that are now our colleagues, is grating on me, peeling my skin painfully away from my flesh. This was my space, now it's our space. I left our space to get my mental health right, get my self in order and create my own haven to really allow myself to flourish. Work was the only place I could this. I could bloom or wilt without fear of criticism. I made that into two places. Home and work. One of the best things I have ever done. I took control of a bad situation and fought tirelessly to secure my own place. My safe place. When I got sick of people at work, when I needed to leave a party early, escape into a book, listen to Mariah on vinyl, build a computer or play video games until my thumbs were numb, I could come home and be myself because the front door was mine alone. Instead, I feel I have been infiltrated, violated and all my hard work has been eradicated. All because you were too selfish to see that you, have a negative impact on me. It's now out of my hands. I can't tell you not work here. I am forced to deal with creating my own mechanisms to deal with you in my space, sorry, our space. You'll never be hungry, you'll never be homeless, but you make me angry just by looking at you. People are already talking to me about you, commenting on the size of you. You bodybuilding, selfish, blind, fool. The stage has been set and i'm now having to reaffirm my position. Not professionally, but socially. You are desired for your appearance, which I lack. You are desired for your talent, which I lack. The importance of succeeding in this world, you have the attributes you can easily trade that for. I cannot, I have to work harder than you. I feel I am going to be found a fraud, when I have done nothing fraudulent. I feel i'm going to be found a liar, when I have housed my sexuality away from you and from mum and dad. I feel I'm going to be laughed at, because I have no substance.

Bart, I respected you. I thought about you whilst holiday because I hadn't seen you in a while. I didn't make contact, I felt secure that we would catch up anytime. Clearly not. Not when you decide to make it plain I'm not like my brother and what a great body he has through his uniform. I am exhausted of this competition my mind decides to put me through, solidified by your words, even in jest. With or without meds, without or without counselling. The world was grey and full of colour all at once. It's funny Bart, because I have made so much effort to be open with you. Telling you the reasons why I can't have my brother working here with me. You asked me, what did I do to ruin the relationship with him? You wanted to know if you should have my back because I'm right and justified in my feelings. Or, if you should because I am the way that I am. How about, just listening. Your opinion isn't needed. Just a shoulder. Like I have given you in the past. You aren't a friend, man. You are seeking the same validation from other people as I am. Rightly or wrongly. You are just as broken, unsure and insecure as me, if not more. Joking or not, you aren't working on our friendship. This is a part of your coping mechanism to get as many people to like you, in order to self stroke your ego. I was so desperate for us to be friends; convinced we'd make the best duo. Now, I don't want you anywhere near me. I realise now, you remind me of Morpheus. I miss him so much. But you will drop me just as he did. I am just a phase for you; too much pressure placed and still no diamond.

How sad.