Change

Inhale.

I take pride in my appearance as it's the only thing I can control when it comes to my body image. Take for example my shoes. I have 99 pairs organised by occasion, season and then colour. Yesterday, I was wearing a pair of terracotta orange Vans with white and gum coloured soles. I had matching terracotta and white laces. I noticed a colleague staring at my feet. I have issues with my feet as is. To me, my mind convinced it self this colleague had x-ray vision and was staring at my actual feet. I managed to shake this off. He asked: "You have two sets of laces in your shoes. Doesn't it get annoying to have tie your laces four times?". "No", I replied. "I just slip them on, I don't really have to tie them much". "oh", he responded. "I just think it's unnecessary". Now, there was no prior conversation about shoes, laces or anything related to footwear. But yet still, this person who I still don't know much about yet, felt the need to say something he should have mentally filtered. This is not about shoes, this about knowing boundaries and understanding and developing relationships. At present, we are barely colleagues. You can give me feedback professionally, positive or negative and I'll accept it. But when it's personal, especially as no one asked for it. Keep, it, to, yourself. I wouldn't do the reverse to anyone, mainly because I know how it feels to suffer silently from body image issues. Additionally, it's rude to make a remark about something that had no prior standing to anything, we have ever discussed. About laces or not. You wouldn't say to someone you don't know, "Why are you wearing a bowler hat? I think it's completely unnecessary". It's their self-expression. My jewellery is my own self-expression. I wonder if said colleague will ask: "Why so much jewellery? Do you wear it to make up for lack of personality? How sad".

Internally in my mind I lose it when someone I have never met before, never exchanged words with decides to tell me they find me standoffish. Again, barely colleagues at this juncture. I struggle with human connections so much, at times it makes me paranoid that I'm offending people without meaning to. Or, people don't like me based on my unconscious behaviour, making them retreat from me. Equally though, it's not fair that that, is one of the first things you say to me. "Standoffish". It sounds horrible. It sounds cold, aloof, disinterested and personally to me, narcissistic. As if my own thoughts and feelings are the only ones important and no else's matters. To go even further, whether your intentions were pure or not, you followed up said statement by trying to ask me what I do outside of work, and how long I've been working for the company? Anyone in this situation would now believe you are acting disingenuously. Also, not only did you disrespect me, thinking it was ok to give said feedback, you want to tell me "you're here for me"? Then pat me on the shoulder twice, as if to placate me! It's laughable and you are patronising. These are two new people hired to work and manage the department that I currently work in. So as not to be labelled "the angry black, chip-on-shoulder, entitled, jaded employee", more so now than ever before, I have to pick my battles with these individuals wisely. Otherwise this upward battle becomes scaling Everest, and I'll have to do it alone. Or get fired.

Change is happening around me for everybody apart from me. From, engagements, pending weddings, new job prospects, career experiences, buying new properties, anniversaries, salary increases, new cars, welcoming newborns. It is crazy. It's overwhelming and I'm tired of being happy for everyone else now. The change I have to put up with is two new colleagues thinking it's alright to disclose their personal thoughts about me and clearly disrespecting the value in building relationships, and having to work with my brother.

Yes, my brother, is going to be working in the same place as me. I do not get along with my brother. We have had many spats before in the past, I moved out of my house to get away from my brother. The constant disrespect he showed to my mother and to the house, his lack of work ethic and general selfish demeanour were enough that I no longer wanted to be in any close physical proximity to him. I actively controlled a situation and made it better for myself because I knew I if stayed living at home, my mental health would have taken a turn for the worse and these words I write now, may never have come to fruition. So, you may ask, why did I refer him? Surely you knew this was happening? I found out, only after his interview was scheduled. Instantly I thought I was the most important being in the universe asking it, why it is deciding to punish me? As usual, I have to rationalise things myself. I am not one to block anyone from success; there is no way I would do anything to negatively colour my brother's reputation, nor stop his progress only to benefit my comfortability. However, I do believe that no thought from my brother's friend who referred him, or any substantial thought of my brother, was put in place. From the second I found out potentially this nightmare would become a reality I stated to my senior manager: "I want nothing to do with my brother's employment process".

I love my flat, but I don't particularly like where I live. I want to move. Cool. Make this happen, Aaron. Get your flat valued, start looking at potential places. This was partially inspired by a friend of mine moving to the UK after securing a new job. We started looking at places to rent for him, I started to look at places for me to move to. It's been on my mind for a while so I thought I'd pursue it. Not good news. Not only has my flat not gone up in value by any substantial amount, in order to afford a bigger place, I need twice the salary I'm on to secure it. I already got a pay rise and a promotion and it still isn't enough. It's this theme that seems to run throughout my entire existence currently. Nothing ever seems to be enough. Clearly not respected enough for people to keep their personal opinions about me to themselves, my professional space is being invaded by a personality that threatens my mental health, not enough for anyone to date because of my own thoughts surrounding my inadequacies, and not earning enough to get a bigger place. Everything just seems a massive waste of time.

I have three people, I am now going to have to learn to work with. One being my own family member. I have to make sure my behaviour shows no nepotism, plus, making sure I act professionally not allowing any previous disagreements to be brought into work. Oh, and yes. My friends at work know I'm bisexual. My family doesn't. I would never ask anyone to keep a secret for me, nor am I going to. But when he catches wind of this, he will tell my dad. There are further issues and discussions to be had. My dad isn't of the generation that is well understanding of sexuality. This is potentially something that will end the relationship I have with my dad. Hence the reason I was only going to come out if I met someone I was serious about.

I took control to move out because I tried to live with my brother and it wasn't working. I took control about moving and buying a new place, I have been religiously applying for new jobs, updating CVs, cover letters trying to obtain opportunities for myself. I have been trying to create my own luck. My overall efforts professionally and personally aren't enough. I am so exhausted. You might say: "move to another store, come out to your family as bisexual, go find that job that earns you more money". Easier said than done; everything takes time. None of this is going to happen overnight. Whilst I'm living this hell, each day as it comes. Time will tell.

Exhale.