...a quick rant,

What am I feeling?

Getting by, isn't really working any more. At work, I had a group of colleagues behind me, rallied and waiting to go into battle for me, without warning or reason. This team, held such a high level of respect for me, I only realised it when I left them. I only realised the impact I had on so many peoples lives when I revisited the team just before my holiday. I miss them, dearly. I didn't leave them because I felt disrespected, I left them because I didn't know where I was going anymore. And not for the grass is greener, but just to move. A decision I regret so much. I'm more lost now than a few months ago. Change is difficult, especially when it requires you to rebuild your reputation, and start new relationships from scratch. It takes time, time I feel, is no longer on my side. I'm doubting myself so much, failing to see the value I can bring to this new and already established team. Furthermore, I fail to see the value I bring to you, Saul. My self hate is starting to permeate the boundaries of our relationship and skew my judgement. Loaded onto this, I feel like such a failure compared to you. Building our home together was exciting. I had already planned out where the speakers were going to go and how automated our lighting would be. I was researching Great Danes and saving up to buy one. It was going to be fun to come home, to our home.

But. That isn't going to happen because of our financial differences. Do I change jobs? What do I want to do? What am I capable of? Will I have to take pay cut? I'm failing to see the point of anything, I'd prefer to run away and just not be seen anymore. I want to do the bare minimum. Breathe. Eat. Sleep. Don't touch me, I don't want anyone to ask if I'm ok, just leave me alone, please? I have zero interest in anything else. I've partially quit.

But. This wave of strength keeps coming and picking me up. The amount of times I wanted to call in sick to work, the amount of times I wanted to call Marc and just bawl to him down the phone. Blame him for making me make this decision. Knowing full well I'm behaving irrationally. So irrational at times that last week, I had written my resignation and had it in my bag. Praying someone says the right thing, to make me hand it in. I'm getting so impatient with life that I can't stand still. I yo-yo between decisions, often not making a firm choice at all. It gets to the point where I just want to tap out. I'm done. No more. But. This auto pilot and not even the bipolar kind, keeps picking me up. I don't know if I've started to get used to fear pushing me, that this is strength that's keeping me going.

I don't feel depressed, nor do I feel like I'm heading towards to another manic episode. But. If it is another episode, there's a pattern. Every summer I seem to feel this way. Maybe I need to do something drastic? (And by that I don't mean anything morbid, just in case the person that outed me, read this and decides they are going to tattle tell my parents). Maybe I just need to relax, take my time and see what this change has to offer?

Maybe I'm being hard on myself? If I am, how do I stop? Is all that pressure stopping me from seeing my potential, ultimately blocking me from progressing?

😞