3 Things: 1st Thing.

Job:

I am not in love with my job. Back in January of this year, I desperately sought a change of pace, a new dynamic environment, new personalities, new challenges. An opportunity arose giving me all that I had asked for. My gut wrenched with fear and apprehension, my intuition was telling me this wasn't the right move. Jekyl and Hyde fought against each other, clouding my thought process. I dived in at the deep end, taking control and silencing my alter egos. Growth comes from difficult circumstances, I reminded myself of that. Doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity. In addition to accepting the universe's challenge, I anted up. I wrote two CVs, made profiles on 5 job boards, started applying for jobs. Even wrote three cover letters, specific to my experience. I was feeling ready, not excited or confident, though. However, I was prepared. Mentally at least, I was prepared for the endurance ride. It won't all happen immediately, Aaron. After making a move I regret, I've learned the specifics of what feels right, what is meant for me, suited and tailored to my journey.

The heels of my feet are cracked and weather the scars of a continuous, and difficult uphill climb. My flat feet ache, especially where my arches should be, my knees are dusty from the times where I haven't had the energy to climb, falling hit the rocks hard, denting my mental health, crawling just to keep moving. Not looking up fearing how far I have left to travel, dreading the almost vertical incline. Thoughts of giving in, rolling off the side of the cliff, free falling before I hit the ground. Once I hit, it will be painless, I won't feel a thing. I tempt the idea, looking over the edge, my shoulders and arms quivering, drawing all the strength they can to keep upright.

During a moment of extreme fatigue, I somehow muster the energy to throw my back against the wall, and take in the scenery. The weekend had been busy; launching a new product was a success! The electricity produced from a hive of excited customers and staff alike, palpated static in thin air. It was infectious! The energy in the atmosphere alone was enough to provide sustenance for mind, body and soul. It was addictive, we were all fiends. It was vein slapping, belt tightening, red-eyed hunger. Appealing visually, the new products shined and glistened. I was salivating, ready for mastication and digestion of the new tech feast that laid before me. I wanted to make an impact. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be present and counted. When I got home that night, sitting down at the kitchen table, I couldn't remember the last time I felt like that. The last time work made me feel so alive.

I decided, I need to find the job that makes me feel fulfilled. One of the job boards I posted to, invited me for CV feedback. I obliged.

The feedback was harsh. In fact, it was honestly harsh. I was described as a "doer" and not an "achiever". It lacked emotive and varied adjectives. It was creatively uninteresting. The one comment that stuck with me was: "Aaron, for a professional with 16 years of experience, your CV undersells you".

Hang on, I've been working for 16 years?! When did that happen? It feels like I just started and already I've been working longer than some people have been alive. Furthermore, in 16 years besides my academic accolades, what have I achieved? Am I that guy that got the job due to luck? Am I style over substance? Is that reason why the majority of people don't like me?

But to have some robot tell me my resumé undersells me, surely there is some substance there, right?

My mum often travels past my old university and she always tells me how proud she of me. "I have done nothing to make you proud mama", I replied. This CV review hints at that. I can't surely have gotten to middle management just by luck. But then it makes me reflect on the relationships I have with others, a specific person actually, on my professional level. Her attitude towards me either comes from her feeling intimidated, or her not believing I'm good enough for the job. Thumbs pitter patter on the glass of my touchscreen screen device, smudging the user interface and abnormally glaring the screen. With all the words typed, the side thoughts that run off on tangents, I still cannot think, at 31 years-old, with 16 years work experience, what I have achieved.

Do I even deserve to be where I am, right now?

Yet, I can feel this potential. And I'm worried. Worried because the last time I felt this potential, I was heading for downward spiral. The patterns repeats, work is the problem. I need to change it. But I'm fighting feelings and thoughts of inadequacy. Maybe I have more than I deserve; I should have never been able to get this far with nothing.

Everyone important in my life is doing better than me.

Maybe this is my peak?

Am I cut out for this rat race?

Should I leave, travel the world, be a free spirit?