20/09/19

I only ever seem to write when I'm going through a situation. I remember watching the Amy Winehouse documentary one night when insomnia was kicking arse. After writing "Frank", Amy commented that she experienced writer's block. The songs she originally wrote for Back to Black, didn't resonate the experiences she felt. The heartbreak, the hangovers, the 48 hour days. "Back to Black" only exists because she had to live to write about the experiences. Another singer I adore, Maxwell, said something similar. Hell, D'angelo went missing from the game for fourteen years to produce a stomper of an album. I wanted to write frequently, dropping nuggets of wisdom on the blog. It's been over a year since I started it. Life is so much different then, than now. A lot of change has happened, with many challenges following right behind it. I'm at a mid point. Like walking up the stairs, once you've committed one foot on the tread, the other must follow. I've pressed up with my toes, foot and leg are mid-air waiting to land.

Whilst waiting to land, everyone seems to have an opinion on your own situation, liking it back to themselves as if their resilience and perseverance came really easily to them at the time. None of you are paying bills in my household, especially when I didn't ask for your opinion. I don't want hear about the journey right now. Whilst, I do not expect, for a second, to never have a rough time. The strength I'm using to write this post is clearly borrowed. It's ok Aaron, you'll find another job, you'll get that salary, it won't always feel like you're just rolling from one month to the next. Aaron, it will be ok, the tough times make the man. Really?! Because all I want to do is curl up in a ball and not leave my bed. Furthermore, where is all this optimism coming from? None of us are that integral to anything that without us, things won't continue. The world still turns, people still make money, the government still takes taxes.

Urgh. I'm really frustrated. Everything requires 100% of me, everyone wants things done, right now. Whilst for me, I have to wait my turn. If it's not being in a relationship, or being at work, having to switch on, adopting and performing for the likes of others, thinking about your next professional step, knowing the decisions you make today affect tomorrow's opportunities, or worrying about ill family members, maintaining this friendship, worrying about the fragile one. Lately, I've just been thinking fuck it. Fuck work, money, people, status, everything. I don't care anymore. I'm probably not worthy of anything good anyway, so what's the point? Let me just live put my days, however many there are. I cannot be bothered to make them count for anything. The amount of times I thought, I'll just sell my flat that I'm currently fight to own, get some job working in a call centre and move to Scotland. I want to push everyone away, make up lies so they leave angry at me; that way I have no ties. If no one is around, then I don't feel like I have to live up to their expectations. I can live out the days the universe has planned for me in a solitude I control. And this is the crux, I still haven't figured out why I need to control aspects of my existence that is ultimately outside of my control. I care for nothing at the moment, fighting this defence mechanism, staying approachable is really exhausting because clearly it's protecting my mental health.

What am I doing?

I don't spend enough time recharging; no one seems to understand my recharge is being alone. I hint at being isolated for just a minute and WW3 threatens to end the world. And every, cell, in, my, body, wants to scream, this isn't about you! People take such offence when I want time to yourself. As if, they are the reason you want isolation. No. I'm naturally introverted and quiet most of the time. That's actually my default. Despite my loud dress sense and imposing demeanour. The part of me you want all of the time, depletes all of my energy and then borrows some from the universe. I'm in energy debt and have a lot to pay back before I'm in the black. In order to do this, I need less human interaction. Which means, I need to be home, on my own, not being bothered. You don't need to call me and ask if I'm ok? Are you hungry? Why don't we watch a movie? Do I need anything? Aaron, come and see me, I'm sick anyway and could do with the company. Or, Aaron do this thing for me please, it will help take your mind off whatever is going on with you. What I need, is for you to fuck off!

I don't mean that. I really don't mean that.

I just mean, respect when I need social isolation. Not that no one is important, but I am important too. If I don't get back to you and it's been hours, it's not personal. If, I cancel on you, again, not personal. I don't have the capacity to engage with you socially; the strength doesn't exist.

But how do you tell people exactly this? How do I preserve their emotions? Is that even my responsibility?

Work beckons... (I mean my actual job, not soul searching. Or in this case, soul destroying).