1 Month Down...

February is approaching incredibly fast; I cannot believe January is already coming to a close. Over the last 4 weeks, a lot has happened. A lot has challenged me over the last year and I've realised a few things. People want to help, in whatever way they can. They want to be included. Asking for help isn't weak. Actually, it takes some strength to recognise you cannot tackle everything on your own. Sharing is caring, but importantly, the tough times build great, solid relationships. The most poignant one though, is: I have survived 100% of all my worst days.

After breaking up with someone, hoping this person would hold my hand at my 30th birthday, I had to go it alone. Entering my 3rd decade of life was intimidating. I was disappointed in myself that I was approaching this age and had nothing to show for it. Plus, the spotlight would be on me; I don't deal well with attention. Doing something for me, was last year's first major challenge of many. Donna had convinced me to celebrate this milestone, I was completely against it. Mainly because, I genuinely feared no one loved me and I'd be sat alone in restaurant on my birthday. I had convinced myself, my 'friends' were just people who happened to be available in my life at that precise time. Even with Donna organising the whole event, taking charge and handling all the administration, I still didn't realise how much I was loved, nor did I realise the wealth in giving yourself a break.

Roll on February, and the bout of insomnia was starting to take hold. I was confused why my failed relationship could never get off the ground despite all the effort I was putting in. I was awake most of the night having anxiety attacks, believing if I fell asleep I would never wake. My heart beat so hard in my chest, my head, my feet, even my fingers pulsated with every strike of my heart. Work was on my mind with all the targets I wanted fulfil, bearing the responsibility of a department on my shoulders alone, but was clueless with how to initiate change. I was gymming too much and not eating enough, loosing a lot of weight. I already had body image issues, and loosing weight was not helping that. I was low, the hell I wanted to put myself in was cold, so I dug deeper. I wanted hell to be hot, but again, didn't realise the cold was worst.

March, April and May continued on this way. I had a manic episode towards to the end of March. A switch was flicked I remember feeling invincible! For no known reason. This was also with lack of sleep. A surge of energy was flowing through me. A lot of risky, impulsive behaviour followed. Sexual encounters and random expensive purchases littered these months. I bought a new car, television, clothes and shoes, eating out at expensive restaurants, staying in expensive hotel rooms for no reason other than I wanted to. I packed everything I could into a 24 hour period. To do it, all, over, again, for weeks on end. I felt this is the only way I could be important and loved. Keep busy, keep doing too much, that is what is expected of me.

By mid May, I was getting an hour of sleep at night. I was making some serious errors at work. Misclassifying documentation and having to relate entries to correct my mistakes. Impulsive and irrational decision making especially when it came to customer disputes. I came into work exhausted, bloodshot eyes heavy with bags, irritability, blinding headaches. I awoke in the morning, wishing the day was already over. When I came home, a cold and dark flat await me. I had no motivation to even watch TV; merely existing was too much effort. I didn't want to exist, I fantasied about ways to die. I really, craved sleep. Just a night of solid 8 hours. But I knew it was never going to come. I was depressed. The mania was over, I was plummeting fast. One day, I came into work and my manger knew before I could speak that I hadn't even got an hour sleep that night. In a moment's flash, I was being signed off work with sleep deprivation.

I hadn't seen my psychiatrist in months, in fact, it had been a couple of years. I was afraid to tell him things had gotten bad, worse than they have ever been. Even though I wanted and created my own self punishment, I didn't want my psychiatrist to be disappointed in me. Going to that appointment, booking that appointment even, was challenge number two of the year. Admitting to myself, something was wrong. Being told I would be signed off work for 12 weeks, was challenge number three. I was anxious about what I would fill my days with? Who would be around? Who would support me? Cabin fever tormented me like my self imprisoned dark days. Then something happened to Donna. Something I would never wish on anybody. It made me angry, furious and helpless. I wanted blood! That person damaged my friend's heart and confidence. I needed to help her, even though I had nothing left to give her. Donna stayed with me for 3 weeks whilst she recovered. I failed on my first challenge, I didn't put me first. I would have been a better help to Donna and myself, once I was better. I didn't need someone in my space that I wasn't even comfortable in. Retrospect has 20/20 vision, but going through it, I didn't realise how much it would delay my recovery.

I started mood stabilisers for my bipolar, was going to regular counselling sessions, most of them I was sobbing like a lost, orphaned child, looking after Donna, decorated my whole flat, decluttered and went to a couple of important events in London. I helped and supported my mum and nana through some pretty serious medical issues. I was there and present for everyone else apart from me. During one of my sleepless nights, I started writing what was on my mind. The Pendulum Swing, this blog, was born. I was anxious because it made me feel uncomfortable. I was going to publish my darkest secrets, my rawest thoughts, unfiltered and upfront. After a few posts, people near and far were commenting about my writing, complementing on how engaging it is and most of all, honest. I was being praised for bravery! Encouraged to keep writing. Being uncomfortable paid off. I did something for me, and I was growing.

My growth was only just beginning, a next set of tests awaited me. I was back at work by September, enduring change in the leadership team, learning new procedure and building relationships with new members of staff. Feeling the swings of my medication, most feeling numb and hearing a lot of white noise, finding it difficult to decipher people's emotions and motive, being put in difficult situation with Saul, tackling my body images issue, my suicidal ideations, finding my self-worth, and finally, deciding to come off my meds without medical advice. It's been a tough year. And it wasn't over. I was in another serious relationship, but was hiding it from my family because it meant announcing my bisexuality. Fear of being ousted because of outdated and ignorant cultural upbringing and possibly facing my parent's perceived outdated viewpoints, terrified me. I was convinced I was going to lose my relationship with my parent's; I had to announce my sexuality for me and only me. And when someone outed me the beginning of this month, it was a blessing and disservice. But I didn't let it detract from all the growth I've done. Everything I had done, was done by me, with the help of others

I'm at my strongest, I am able to handle multiple situations of crippling weight, simultaneously. I have learned to ask for help when I cannot carry the weight. Appeared and been vulnerable, wore my emotions in my sleeve, mended some difficult relationships and even made some new ones, recognised genuine loving friendships, I am in a relationship that I am really excited about. Sadly someone decided to leave my life, but ultimately I cannot change the past. I expel the energy on things I can control and for those I can't, I conserve it for the things I can. I am rediscovering the things that make me happy, learning to be comfortable in my 6foot 2inch frame. I trust more and am challenging myself to feel uncomfortable. I've grown in that space and want to experience more of it. In the past, I would never reach out to past colleagues and ask for their advice. Now, I've reached out to few, schedule meetings to discuss next steps to further my career. I've even applied for an internal transfer, all in the spirit of being uncomfortable, growing from new opportunities.

I have survived 100% of all my worst days. And so have you! x